I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
