Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
