i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I think I won the penis lottery.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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