Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Randomize
