Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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