My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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