My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
