Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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