i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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