Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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