I showed him my bush... on skype.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
