if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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