I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
