My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
