I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
