you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
