They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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