My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
