OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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