: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
