I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
