I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
