No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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