I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
