you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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