I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Houston, we have a blender
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
