he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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