Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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