I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
