You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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