I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
should my penis look like a turkey
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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