Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
