nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
