at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
