You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
