My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just gift wrapped bread.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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