My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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