The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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