A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
