Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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