Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
