the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
