im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
