I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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