I murdered the dance floor call the cops
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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