I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
She's the barista slut.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
