On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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