There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
