She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
