Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
